Most of us were never taught “how to” navigate our own thoughts, feelings and emotions as children. With such a growing fast-paced world, as adults it becomes increasingly difficult to juggle and manage the many demands on our time and energy. It is critical we keep the relationships in our lives supporting and nurturing rather than draining and suffocating. How do we achieve peace with our children? Joy with our friendships? Love and a spark of excitement in our most intimate relationship?
I’ve lived a life of the most beneficial, challenging, destructive, happy, depressing and loving relationships. I’ve experienced the heights and depths of relationships and emotions over and over throughout my life. I have seen a lot. Because of this, I’ve spent the past 25 years on a journey of reading thousands of books on relationships, (literally). I’ve studied religion formally as well as personally. I’ve explored churches continent-to-continent and hiked upward in thin air to remote temples. I’ve meditated in Japanese mountaintop monasteries with monkeys chattering in treetops above my head and chanted in exotic ashrams. In every experience, drinking in the ancient tapestry of inspiration, depth and human connection to self, other and creator. What I have discovered for myself, and have helped others implement in their lives and business is a rather simple concept I call RelationShift®.
RelationsShift when applied gives you the power to SHIFT any relationship from great to extraordinary, from struggling to successful.
So WHAT is RelationShift?
Our life is filled with the one thing we can never escape, relationships. Even the greatest and most powerful relationship, the relationship we have with ourselves.
If you would like to experience more peace, harmony, joy, happiness, love, understanding, and connection in your relationships, RelationShift can assist you in shifting your relationships and the experience of them immediately. I explain RelationShift in greater detail during conferences and consulting engagements, but as a quick overview, the S-H-I-F-T looks like this:
S: Shift what?
What is the challenge? Who? When considering the first step in the process you become aware you have either a relationship situation calling for attention or the relationship itself is causing you to feel drained or challenged. Identify the “what” and “who” here. You need clarity in order to powerfully shift out of your challenge.
When thinking of the change you would like to make in a relationship, take the time to consider whether the problems you are having are with the actions within the relationship, or the relationship itself. Sometimes we can get fed up with a particular situation and cut out the relationship entirely, when perhaps, there were actions to take to repair the damage. Sometimes simple understanding of each other’s needs will begin the relationship repair almost immediately, other times, no matter what you may do, ending the relationship is the best choice for everyone. At other moments it’s impossible to end a relationship and we need to find a way to make things work.
Take some time here and consider all the primary relationships in your life. This may be your best friend, your mom, your spouse, your child, your intimate partner, a co-worker or boss.
Write down all of the relationships in your life which have significance and place them in a significant relationship column on a piece of paper or on a spreadsheet.
H: Have an experience or want?
Now is the time for you to identify what you want. Get clear on what is not working or what is creating the struggle or drain. Have the freedom to decide what you want the relationship to look like. What kind of experience do you want to have with this person or situation?
Most people can express what they don’t want, but they are not clear on exactly what they DO want. Take time and think about or feel into the question, “What do I want to experience in this relationship?” Do this for each of the significant relationships you have identified and listed.
After carefully considering what you want to experience in each relationship, jot down the important experiential points you would like to have next to each name in the second column, entitled desired experience.
Once you have become aware you want to shift, and you have come to a place of clarity on what you want to experience in each relationship, you are now able to set a conscious intention right now for each relationship in your life.
Take a moment to look over each relationship and your desired experiences. You may have identified patterns of thought. Notice if you have a recurring desired experience for each relationship. Do you notice you want to experience more peace? More joy? More understanding? More love?
These patterns are an indicator of what you are calling for more of in your life. This is a very powerful awareness of yourself and this step alone can be the awareness you have needed to make extraordinary changes in your life.
Now, set your clear, conscious intention for what you are calling for. It might be an intention for more harmony, or more energy or more love….whatever the recurring desires are, see them, feel them and make your intention now to receive them.
Here is where you apply the powerful law of “What you focus on expands.” Most of us simply lack clarity and focus in our relationships, tossing them about like sailboats on choppy seas. Coming from a place of clarity and applying your focus to the relationship in the context of what you want to experience, you will set into motion an extraordinary process giving you all power and control to shift your experience.
To apply this focus, pick one relationship to start with. It is easier to focus when you pick just one. Eventually they all begin to shift as you work. As you SHIFT one relationship, like magic, the others begin to follow suit. Visualize a drop of water in a bucket, and just as one drop forms rings expanding outward touching the entire surface, so too does your one focus of SHIFTING one relationship begin to SHIFT the others as well.
Choose the one relationship you wish to focus on SHIFTING now.
Remember the desired experience you identified above? Now is the time to hit the refresh button and reboot yourself in the context of this relationship that you have identified as your focus. Just like we do when our computer is running too slow, or freezes, or isn’t functioning like it used to, we can reboot our mind and refresh our heart in relation to this person and relationship.
To transform your relationship and experience renewal, take a moment to identify the feelings you have when you consider the person or situation.
When you have identified the feeling or feelings causing you difficulty, take a moment to notice the thought behind this feeling. What is your thought? “They are so difficult, they don’t listen, they don’t understand me, they don’t love me anymore, they don’t appreciate me….” Whatever the thought is, identify it and write it down.
Now you have the power to SHIFT everything…